MTV VMA 2013

It’s been awhile since I live blogged an awards show.  The MTV Video Music Awards happened the other night and here’s what I got from it…

Lady Gaga dressed as a breath mint? Wait is this even Lady Gaga?!? Yeah, it is… I think. Costume changes… A Madonna wig? Sia face paint? C’mon… we’ve seen all this.  Woah, she’s down to a bikini now!  Nice bod Lady G!  I mean it. You get to hang around my consciousness for a few more years ‘cause of that.

Lady Gaga

Lady Gaga bikini











Here’s One Direction. I don’t know any of their songs, but they do seem like nice lads. They introduce the nominees for best pop video.  Selena Gomez wins! What a cutie, I love the dress. Sexy yet classy.

Selena Gomez dress

Vanessa Bayer has taken the stage in her SNL Miley Cyrus getup.  For just a second I thought she WAS Miley!  I thought, “Holy hell, what has happened to you?”

Vanessa Bayer, Shailene Woodley

Alright, the truth is that I’m watching a rebroadcast so by now I know about the “scandalous” Miley Cyrus/Robin Thicke performance. Despite this foreknowledge I have to admit that I’m still kind of surprised at how ridiculous this is. It’s all teddy bears, tongue, and twerking…strange. And don’t forget the foam finger crotch grabbing. Oh wow, she just lost the teddy bear outfit and she’s down to her spanx. Those things are going to sqeeze her legs off they’re so tight. Now there’s a rapper and some paintings and dancers in football gear. Eh, points for unmitigated strangeness.

Miley and the dancing bears

Lil’ Kim is out now and she’s looking…old. She and a statuesque Aussie are introducing the award for best hip-hop video. Macklemore wins. I’m not such a fan of his music but he seems like a decent guy.

Here’s Kevin Hart to do a bit of comedy. He makes a crack about Miley and Taylor Swift needing to stay away from Robin Thicke lest he kidnap them and trigger an Amber Alert.  An Amber Alert? Dude, Miley is 20 and Taylor is 23.  I will say that MTV’s decision to inject a little stand up comedy into the proceedings is kind of cool and different, but Kevin’s set lacks bite.  I would have preferred to see him do more of a send-up or a roast of the awards and performers.

Jared Leto. Lord, does this boy never age? What’s with the ripped up t-shirt, man? It’s been awhile since My So-Called Life, but I know that you can afford nicer shirts than that.  Granted, you are sort of impossibly handsome, but you’re over 40 now, let’s try some shirts without holes in ‘em, okay?  Also, nice fuckin’ leather skirt, guy… Oohh, he just introduced Kanye…

Jared Leto 2013 VMA

Auto-tune Kanye?  Seriously dude, how are you going to call yourself the future of hip-hop when you’re doing the same shit that Cher and Kid Rock did a decade ago?  Look, we all know that you can’t sing.  It’s okay!  You don’t have to be able to do everything in order to stay crazy famous.  GJ talked about how much of a disappointment Kanye has turned out to be and I have to agree. His music is bombastic but mediocre. Everyone said he was going to change the game but… wait, he’s just dancing in silhouette with the lights off. This way, he doesn’t even have to lip synch to the backing track. How easy!  Maybe he IS a genius!

Kanye VMA 2013

Here’s Pharrell with Daft Punk and Nile “I’m NOT Rick James, bitch” Rodgers. They introduce the best female video. Taylor Swift wins! I’m maybe starting to find her a little less insufferable, but I’m also getting a little tired of seeing her EVERYWHERE!  Still, I kinda like the “trouble, trouble, trouble” song.  And let me just say this about Daft Punk’s presence at the VMAs: WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT?!?!  Look, I got no problems with Daft Punk, but it’s two guys in robot suits who literally don’t speak.  I mean, if they were in New York and they just happened to have their robot suits with them, then fine, bring them up on stage, but to pay to fly them out from France or wherever and put them up in a hotel and feed them (or oil their joints?)…I don’t know, seems like a waste.  Maybe they’ll perform later.

Daft Punk 2013 VMA

Jimmy Fallon pops out next to introduce a live performance by Justin Timberlake. WOW, you’re really selling it Jimmy….”The PRESIDENT OF POP…..JUSTIN…..TIMBERLAKE!!!” It’s a medley from el presidente. I guess that medleys are good for guys like him who have a bunch of big songs, but it just feels a bit too safe. Justin’s great, but I wonder if we’ve maybe pedestalized him a little before his time? Oh shit, it’s an N*Sync reunion!!!11!! I always knew that if I kept praying it would eventually happen! Just kidding, I don’t give a crap about them, but I know that the ladies do and I’m all about keeping the ladies happy.  This is starting to drag on a bit now, 10 minutes and counting! N*Sync is gone and he’s doing even more of his solo songs. This is like a mini JT concert!  Sheeeyit boy, slow down or you’re gonna faint! Oh now Jimmy is back to give JT the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard award and kiss his ass a bit more. David Letterman would never grovel like this.  Shit, Jay Leno wold never grovel like this!  Still, for all of my nitpicking I like Justin Timberlake, he’s got some good jams.

Next up is A$AP Rocky and Jason Collins, the NBA player who recently announced that he’s gay. They deliver an anti-discrimination message before introducing a live performance by Macklemore. I gotta say, it’s interesting to watch hip-hop make its baby steps toward LGBT acceptance.  I give credit to A$AP for appearing with Jason Collins, and maybe I’m mistaken about this, but they way he pointed at Collins and said “homosexual” during his message of tolerance seemed off. Like he was saying one thing but thinking the opposite. Anyone else pick up on that?

A$AP and Collins VMA 2013

Here’s TLC (minus Left Eye of course) to introduce a performance by Drake. Wait, did they just do some product placement? Ah, whatever.  As far as Drake goes… well I like rap music a lot, but I have always said that rap shows are generally pretty boring.  It definitely takes talent and skill to be a great rapper, but live rap performances never feel dynamic or engaging enough for me, regardless of who it is.  Drake’s nearly non-existent stage set only highlights this.

Taylor Swift is back on stage to introduce the award for Best Male Video. Bruno Mars wins it. I like Bruno. He’s talented and seemingly humble. Holy crap, he looks like a midget standing next to miss Swift!

Bruno and Taylor VMA 2013

Bruno hardly has a chance to bask in the glory of his newly acquired moon man statue before he’s back on stage to perform.  I don’t think that I’m loving this “gorilla” song he’s doing, but overall I just really like this kid.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt (or JoGo, as the kids call him) is on to announce the winner of Video of the Year. Dude, what’s with the accent? Hey, Justin Timberlake won it.  Bit of an awkward acceptance speech. He makes a crack about wanting to dedicate the award to his grandparents before announcing the recent passing of his grandfather.  It’s such an abrupt shift in tone and he’s not really able to bring us out of it before beating a hasty retreat.  Hmm.  Anyway, good for you JT and sorry to hear about your grandpa.  Seriously, losing your grandparents can be quite a painful experience.  See… awkward.

Katy Perry wraps things up with the final performance of the night.  I’m not crazy about this “Roar” song, but I am rather crazy about Katy’s jump rope routine.  Oh shit, she’s going faster now! Wait… don’t cut to a crowd shot!! NO!  Damn you MTV!!  I’ll tell you something else I like about Katy Perry, her kettle corn Pop Chips.  I’m not kidding, those things are amazing.

Katy's Kettle Corn

Katy Perry VMA 2013











Well, that’s it.  I just realized that they only gave out five awards (6 if you count JT’s Video Vanguard Award) and that we didn’t get a single performance by a rock band.  As awards shows go it was fairly well executed, but the whole thing felt a bit safe.  No major surprises, no real upsets, a lot of established artists.  For all the jokes about MTV not really being a music channel anymore, I probably could have done with a little less music and a few more curveballs.  Maybe a cool collaboration (a la Sting and Bruno Mars from this year’s Grammys) or an award that highlights the craft of music videos (best effects?) or maybe even an acknowledgement of YouTube as the spiritual successor to MTV…they could let the audience pick the best music video of the five most played on YouTube in the last year.

Before I sign off, let me just say this about Miley’s twerking: I really can’t believe that her dancing has caught the attention of so many people.  I get that she’s trying to shed her Disney image by being “sexy” and that that makes certain people feel “old” or “shocked”, but come on, haven’t we all seen this before?  Is anyone truly surprised by these antics?  Sex sells, Miley knows it, and in my opinion she’s just following the path laid out by many who have come before her.  It’s more silly than sexy anyway…at least Madona knew how to put on an “O face”.  Also, Daft Punk never came back to perform.  Total waste of money, MTV.

Alright, that’s it for the 2013 VMAs.  See you next time, people!