Hey everyone!  In an effort to expand our coverage of actual pop culture I decided to have a few drinks and do a live blog of this year’s Grammy awards.  Enjoy!

8:00pm – Taylor Swift kicks things off by performing her hit her song, “Never Never Never Never Never Ever Ever” while sharing the stage with a small horde of clowns and mimes. What is this? Cirque du Soleil? Strong start, Grammys!  What better way to open things up than with a phalanx of clowns?  Everybody loves that shit, right? I wish that Taylor would have done her other song “Trouble Trouble Trouble Trouble”.  I like that one better.

Gah! Clowns!

8:05pm – Here’s our host, the hottest rapper on CBS’s payroll, LL Cool J!  He thanks “T-swizzle” for her performance (who are you, Snoop Dogg in 2001?) and delivers a pleasant enough opening monologue.  Something about the power of music and the “importance” of the Grammy awards. In the 5 minutes it takes him to deliver his speech he manages to lick his lips 25 times!  If I can keep up, I think I’m going to keep a running tally of LL’s signature lip licks tonight.

8:10pm – Elton John is performing with some mop headed ginger kid I’ve never heard of.  I must say, Sir Elton has a really good wig. Shatner should get with him and find out who his wig guy is.  Maybe it’s someone special that only knights get to use.

8:19pm – LL is back and he’s reading tweets.  This is a first.  I always thought that the Grammys could stand to incorporate the inane observations of the viewing audience, and now they’ve gone and done it.  Bravo!  This is compelling stuff.  4 more lip licks from LL, so that’s 29 for the night so far.

8:20pm – J Lo is presenting alongside Pit Bull.  She’s totally aping Angelina Jolie with the long black dress and the exposed right leg, but then, she’s never exactly been known for her originality.  Adele wins in the “Best Pop Vocal Performance” category for a 2012 live recording of a song that was originally released 2011.  Seems a tad fishy, but hey, I’d rather see her win it than Carly Rae Jepsen.

C'mon J Lo!

8:23pm – Fun., the band that no one I know seems to like is performing. They all look like wax statues except for the guitarist who kinda looks like a ‘roided up Woody Allen with a jarhead haircut.

8:32pm – Bonnie Raitt and John Mayer introduce a performance by Dierks Bentley and Miranda Lambert….whoever they are.  I know next to nothing about programming award shows, but it seems to me that you should hold off on the somber, sappy love dirges until at least an hour into the program.  Plus, what’s with all the extra musicians?  There are literally FIVE guitarists on stage and I’m still bored.  This just proves a theory I have that country fans will embrace anything as long as it has at least two seconds of lap steel in it.

8:40pm – LL is back. He does a half-hearted, blink-and-you’ll-miss-it tribute to Dick Clark while still managing to his lips three more times. We’re up to 32 now. And what better way to follow up a stirring tribute to Dick Clark than with a performance by Wiz Khalifa?

8:43pm – And who better to introduce the “Solo Country Performance” award than the aforementioned Wiz? Carrie Underwood wins it for a song that doesn’t even sound remotely country, and during her speech we hear the first mention of God on the night.  This plays into another theory I have that country musicians are the only famous white people who regularly thank the man upstairs.

8:50pm – LL is back again and he’s got more tweets! God, it is so lame when people say the word “hashtag”, isn’t it?  Why does everybody love Twitter so fucking much?  Think about it, kids.  How cool can it be if CBS is using it as a free promotional tool?  Plus, no lip licks, LL?!?! Shit, we’re holding firm at 32…

8:52pm – “Song of the Year” time. Fun. wins it for “We Are Young”. I’m crying foul…how was Psy not even nominated?

Snubbed!

8:54pm – Johnny Depp shows up for all of 10 seconds to introduce Mumford and Sons. What is the appeal of this band? They sound like The Arcade Fire covering the Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? soundtrack. Then again, I’m kinda enjoying this “I will wait for you” song. I like the horns.

8:55pm – Ellen Degeneres and Beyonce are out to introduce Justin Timberlake and his “return” to music.  JT has a big band thing going on and it’s pretty cool.  The song’s not half bad either.  I find it curious that he’s returning to his roots. I mean, I thought he conquered music and film already…you’d think he’d move on to something else, like maybe sculpting or poetry.

9:12pm – Time to award the “Best Urban Contemporary Album”.  Why are we using the euphemistic phrase “urban” to describe R&B?  Seriously, does this feel a tiny bit racist to anyone else?  Frank Ocean wins.  That do anything for ya?

9:20pm – Next up is “Best Rock Performance”. The Black Keys win, but they sure don’t seem too thrilled about it.  Let me just say this to the Fiona Apples and the Bon Ivers and the Black Keys of the world. If you don’t care about awards THEN DON’T FUCKING SHOW UP TO THE AWARDS SHOW, YOU STUPID HIPSTER FUCKS!!  And wash your fucking hair you dickheads, you’re on TV…

9:23pm – Alicia Keys and Maroon 5 perform next.  Closed circuit to Alicia Keys, it’s pretentious to write songs about how “on fire” you are. We get it, you’re selling records…rub it in a little more why don’t you?

9:27pm – “Best Pop Vocal Album” goes to Kelly Clarkson. I’m still fascinated by the fact that she and Carrie Underwood are the only American Idol winners that anyone cares about.

9:35pm – Two more lip licks from LL.  He’s really slowed down.  Someone must’ve given him some notes backstage. We’re at 34 lip licks for the evening.

31..32..33..

9:36pm – Rhianna is performing. I am SO OVER this chick. Wait, who is this? Some creepy dude in a stocking cap is singing with her.  He looks like he’s going to jump up and stab her.

9:41pm – “Best Rap/Sung Collaboration”, or as I call it, “Best Feat. Song”.  The criminally overrated Jay Z and that Frank Ocean fellow win for a song that I’ve never heard. Normally I would chalk this up to the fact that I am old and out of touch, except I’m pretty sure I’ve heard all the other nominees. I’m starting to think that Jay Z made some kind of deal with the devil.  How else could a guy of such average talent and below average looks win a million Grammys, marry Beyonce, and still manage to be so smug about it all?

9:49pm – The Black Keys are performing with Dr. John. I guess we know why they showed up. As a two man band that plays bluesy rock n’ roll they kinda remind me of the White Stripes except, you know, without the boobies or the dynamic stage presence.

9:53pm – LL, you’re slipping. No lip licks. We’re holding firm at 34.

9:57pm – The award for “Best Country Album” goes to the Zac Brown Band. I’m surprised. From the snippet of song I’m hearing as they walk to the stage they actually sound like a country band. I figured that some rock group that wears cowboy hats would win like always.

10:00pm – Shit, I can’t believe I’ve got another hour to go.  I can do this, I just need another drink.

10:05pm – Two more lip licks from LL as he introduces a performance by Bruno Mars.  That’s more like it L, back on track with 36 lip licks!

10:06pm – I’m not a huge Bruno Mars fan, but this “sex takes me to paradise” song is pretty funky.  Oh shit, Sting just joined him on stage!  I’m genuinely into this.  Together they segue into The Police’s “Walking On The Moon”.  Nice!  Now Ziggy and Damian Marley join the fun for a rollicking rendition of “Could You Be Loved”. Shit…this is actually cool.  Highlight of the evening.

Your sex takes me to the moon!

10:18pm – Quick lip lick from LL (no. 37) and then it’s on to a performance by The Lumineers. Tambourines? Bowties? Mandolins? My hipster douchebag meter is starting to twitch a little.  At least these hipsters decided to bathe, so I’ll give them credit for that, plus their song isn’t half bad.

10:20pm – Jack White is fuckin’ shit up in his crazy peacock feather suit! Take notice people, this is how you burn shit down!

10:26pm – Katy Perry is looking boobalicious as she intros the nominees for “Best New Artist”.  She even gets in a dig on Bon Iver, nice! Hey, Fun. won! Enjoy it boys, I predict a precipitous drop off…

Dayum, girl!

10:34pm – Okay, home stretch… time for some country! The light show on Carrie Underwood’s dress is more entertaining to me than the song she’s singing.  To quote the great Butthead, “Uh, whatever happened to country songs about whiskey drinking and butt kicking?”

10:40pm – Prince shows up to intro the nominees for “Record of the Year”. It’s totally different from “Song of the Year”, you guys. Gotye wins for his love letter to the 80’s, “Somebody That I Used To Know”. Wow, nice speech, dude! Gracious, poignant, thoughtful…that’s how you know he’s not from the US.

10:50pm – Time for the “chairman of the Grammys” to show up and bore everyone.

10:54pm – The “in memoriam” montage. I always like these. Aw, Adam Yauch…I still can’t believe a Beastie is gone.

10:55pm-11:09pm – Holy shit, we’re still going?

11:10 – Frank Ocean is performing a song about Forrest Gump?   Way to relate to the youth of today, Frank!  He is dreadfully out of tune. I honestly don’t see what all the fuss is about with this guy. Horrible.

11:15 – Mumford and Sons win for “Album of the Year”. Yaaaaaaaawn. At least they seem grateful.

11:24 – LL gives us one last lick (38) before taking the stage with Chuck D, Tom Morello,  and that tattooed drummer from Blink-182. As they perform they are interrupted by promotional announcements and the end credits.

Ouch! Turn it down, man!